Last weekend, I attended two very different yoga classes. It didn’t have anything to do with the style or teaching of the class. It didn’t have to do with the teacher. It had to do with the emotions I had on my yoga mat.
I hadn’t been to a Saturday morning class since Labor Day. My kids’ finally finished soccer last weekend so I was back to my usual routine. I came into class with a lot on my head and heart. I had learned the night before that a friend through blogging had suddenly lost her 13 year old daughter. We’ve never met in person but she’s always been a kind, supportive person, someone that you would like instantly. My heart ached for her loss. How do you deal with that? As a mother, I put myself in that same situation. What if it was one of my kids? It gnawed at me as I flowed through class.
Savasana came. As I settled in, my thoughts were still on the tragedy. The tears began to flow. The teacher for this class has an amazing voice and will sing during Savasana. I don’t know the song she was singing but her words made me cry harder.
There are angels all around us.
I felt like a goober for crying in yoga although it’s not the first time it’s happened to me. Yoga is a great way to release the physical tension from my muscles. I’ve also found when I am holding emotional tensions in, yoga gets it out. It really does allow me to really feel what I feel.
I left the studio and cried the whole way home until I could hug my own kids. It felt good to release. To let go.
I arrived later than usual to class. I was one of the last people in the studio. It was a full class with the only remaining spots available in the far back. Usually, I’m up front or somewhere in the second row. This was new territory. Or really old territory. When I was a beginner yogi, that’s where I started so I could watch everyone else and not have anyone watching me. It was less intimidating to be in the shadows.
Class began and we soon were flowing through sun salutation A. My body was going through the motions but my thoughts was ping ponging. I was distracted. Watching other yogis. Thinking of iced coffee afterwards. Going through my to do list.
I was not on my mat but in a land far, far away.
I realized what was the matter. I was in the back of the room. I felt disconnected from the rest of the class. If I’m in the front, I have no one to look at. When we turn to the long side of our mats or when we face the back, I see everyone else, but I really don’t. I pay attention to myself and that’s it. I’m present in my practice.
In the back, I felt like I was standing outside the (imaginary) circle looking in. It sounds weird even though I had three other yogi’s to my left. The teacher didn’t neglect us either. She taught to the whole room, not just to the front. She walked between all the mats and adjusted everyone equally as needed.
When this dawned on me, I started to think – Do others feel this way? Am I being weird?
It’s funny how at one time I felt safe in the back of the room. Now it makes me feel left out. By physically changing my perspective in the room, I changed my practice. And not in a good way. Or at least on Sunday. Maybe I need to go to the back more often?
Have you ever cried in yoga?
In yoga or group exercise classes, where is your “usual” spot?