Boston

Boston Marathon Finish LIne | happyfitmama.com

One year ago I toed the line of the Boston Marathon for the first time.

The whole weekend leading up to the race was electric. I was riding a runner’s high despite having some serious taper crazies. The expo. The meeting of long time friends for the first time in person. The history. The symbolism.

I was running the Boston Marathon. Holy sh!t.

It was more than I could ever have imagined it would be like.

And then all the excitement and energy came crashing down a mere 8 miles into the race of a lifetime. Even though it’s been a year, I still remember every single event of that day. From trying to run off the pain. To painfully making the decision to walk off the course to a med tent. Riding the most somber ride of my life with all of the others who were getting a big fat DNF that day. To aimlessly searching for my family in a haze. And then hanging out with the transit police for what seemed like hours until we reconnected.

You would think after a year, the hurt, anger and frustration would fade. It has to some degree. I’m much better than I was 6 months ago.  I’m so thankful to be up and running! I can’t even begin to imagine what I would be like if I was not. But I’m not going to lie. Seeing my Facebook or Instagram feed filled with Boston training posts for the past 4 months has been hard. Really hard. And then this weekend, it escalated. My social media feed was flooded with everything Boston. Of course, it would be because almost everyone I follow is a runner. I stayed off Insta for most of the day on Saturday. I didn’t want to see it.

While I am so extremely happy for those who are running, I’m flat out jealous. I want to be back to where I was a year ago before Marathon Monday. I want to feel that joy, the strength and the excitement.

Team Stonyfield Boston Marathon outfit | happyfitmama.com

Immediately after getting injured, I had a plan in my head. I wanted victory. I wanted another chance. I wanted redemption. I wanted to get a BQ so I’d be able to run again in 2016. Of course, when you are unable to run for 6+ months after April, that dream is not even an option. And now I’m at a point where I’m questioning if I have a marathon in me anymore. My body seems to be doing odd things lately. Can it handle another round of hard training? I’m not sure but I’m also sure that I still want redemption.

Sunday morning during savasana in yoga class, our teacher told us to lay our left hand over our heart and cover it with our right hand. In doing so, she told us to forgive ourselves. Forgive. A light bulb went off in my head. I need to forgive myself for what happened a year ago. I’ve been holding on anger towards my body.  My body failed me when I needed it to be strong. Why me? Why during the race? Why???

That simple word – forgive – flipped the switch. I felt at ease. I don’t know why it took so long for it to register. Maybe because Boston was front and center on my mind yesterday. Maybe because I was finally ready to accept and forgive.

By Sunday evening, I could face social media. I wanted to see what was going on. I wanted to see the happiness in every single post. I wanted to see the celebration. Seeing all of it made me happy. Happy for all of the runners who worked their ass off to get there. Happy to be a part of such an amazing running community. And hopeful. Hopeful that I will be back to the greatest celebration of running again.

I can’t wait for my phone to be giving me updates all day as I track all of my friends running. Best of luck to – Sarah, Sandra, Mairead – Go TEAM STONYFIELD!, Kim, Becca, Heather, Chris, Michele, Nat, Laura, Sarah and Jess. I’ll be screaming for you louder than the girls at Wellesley!

To all the runners – This is your day. Run strong. Run proud. Enjoy every single step on Marvelous Marathon Monday.

15 comments on “Boston

  1. I’m glad to hear that you’re finally coming to terms with what happened. It’s difficult to DNF any race, no matter the circumstances, but Boston must be especially hard. It’s understandable that you’d lay blame on yourself because who else could be blamed in that situation, and with all the anger, frustration and disappointment, it must feel life someone should take the he blame.

    Of course, it really was a circumstance where you should not be blamed. Your body is strong and got you to the start line in the first place.

    Sorry, rambling a little. It’s late. 🙂 I hope that it is in the cards for you to run a marathon again. I know you have the talent to qualify and I’d love to see you get back to Boston.
    Debbie recently posted..30 Minute Dinner: Gardein Porkless Bites Vegan CarnitasMy Profile

  2. I found myself tearing up at your post and nodding nodding at Debbie’s comment above me as well.
    Im so in awe you ever got to the start and believe so powerfully in YOU and the fact if you want it again—you will get there.

  3. I seriously got chills when I read the word “forgive!” YES!!!! That is precisely what you needed to do! I’m so glad you had that moment because honestly, in your position, I would have felt EXACTLY the same way. My heart still aches for you every time I read about what happened – it was just so not right!!! But I love where you are, just one year later and I hope, that if it’s truly what you want, you run Boston on your terms when your mind and body are ready! xoxoxoxo
    Allie recently posted..The Rundown – Shiz Is Getting RealMy Profile

  4. Ah, hopefully forgiveness was the missing piece of your recovery – it’s surprising how hard we are on ourselves. I hope everyone has a great day in Boston today!

  5. This is beautiful, Angela! What a powerful realization in that one simple word at yoga. It’s so easy to be frustrated with our physical bodies- running gives us lots of opportunities to wish things had gone differently! But I’m so glad you’re feeling better and can genuinely cheer for everyone today.

  6. This – I love this post for so many reasons. It’s amazing the revelations that come during savasana, right? I can’t imagine the emotions and I would have reacted the same way – put the phone away, the blinders on and ear plugs in. I wouldn’t want to hear it or see it. But forgiveness for yourself and your body – that’s an incredibly powerful thing, even just the realization that you need to forgive yourself. I’m so happy that you’re back to running and have started to turn this corner.

  7. Forgiveness is an incredibly powerful thing – especially when we forgive ourselves because that’s usually where forgiveness does not come easy. I’m so happy for you that you had such a powerful revelation. It was so not right for that injury and DNF to happen to you, but I have no doubt that someday soon you’ll be lining up at Boston – and crossing that finish line. xoxo

  8. Oh Angela, reading this gave me goosebumps. Those lightbulb moments are few and far between and I’m so happy something clicked for you with Boston. Reading this made me happy. 🙂

  9. Such beautiful and honest words Angela. I loved reading this as I catch up in blog land. Really relate to what you said about Yoga and that moment when you realized you needed to forgive yourself. I don’t take yoga classes often but the few times I have recently… there has often been something like this where we are asked to focus on something specific and I have ah ha moment or a deep connection with myself. I often feel a release that brings me to tears but gives me new insight.

  10. I’m so sorry to hear that! :[ It’s definitely incredibly painful to not be able to do something that you’ve worked so hard for, but I also think it was really good for you to listen to your body. I’m glad you’re able to run again!

  11. Frist of all THANK YOU for sharing this! I know i am not the only one who believes that this could help so many other runners deal with the same feelings you are experiencing. I know it is very hard to not be able to do something you ‘ve put so much effort in … But I am so happy for you that you manage to see the positive side and find balance! Reading this post overwhelmed me with all sorts of feelings. Thank you so much for sharing this!

  12. The tears are flowing right now. This is so powerful!! FORGIVE.
    Yes, that is exactly what you needed!! I am so sorry that you had the experience of making it to Boston and this having the unthinkable happen.
    But, guess what? You did it! In the sense that you made it through a vary hard year and now you have nothing but rainbows.
    So, run your heart out for the Mt. Washington race and know that you are strong, you are resilient.
    Grab onto your rainbow!!! xoxo

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